Facing The Demons Within Myself
by Supernatural-Hannah888
Summary: Summary: Tag to the end of 5.01. Dean and Sam go back to a motel room, where Dean leaves to find a bar, leaving Sam to deal with his inner-demons.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.**

**This has probably been done before but I really do like the idea of Sam having to deal with the guilt of raising Lucifer.**

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The brothers sat in silence as Dean drove back to their motel. Dean focused on the road ahead he knew his words had hurt Sam but he didn't really care, Sam deserved it after what he had done.

Sam stared out of the window, watching the trees going by, silent tears rolled down his cheeks. Dean and Bobby's, when we was possessed, swirled around in his head, mixing with what Dean had also said in the voicemail.

_I just don't think I can trust you._

_You were reckless, and selfish and arrogant._

_That kind of thing doesn't get forgiven boy!_

_Listen to me you blood-sucking freak, dad said I'd have to save you or kill you, well I'm giving you fair warning I'm done trying to save 're a monster Sam, a vampire, you're not you anymore and there's no going back._

Sam was brought out of his thoughts by the car suddenly stopping, he looked ahead and saw the motel. Dean slumped back in the seat "I'm going to find a bar." He mumbled, he saw Sam nod and get out of the car in the corner of his eyes.

Sam shuffled across the car park and up to their room's door, entering without looking back at the car. He shut the door behind him, his knees went weak causing him to stumble back and press his shoulders into the door staring into the empty room. Upon hearing the familiar and comforting rumble of the Impala descending into silence he finally let out a sob letting the tears stream down his face. The guilt and self-loathing was eating furiously at his heart, he caught his reflection in a mirror opposite him, he let out an angry scream and flew across the room slamming his right fist into the glass, he couldn't look at himself.

"How can you expect me to be able to look at you when you can't even do it yourself?" A angry voice boomed out behind him, he spun quickly to find Dean standing by the door.

"D-Dean I-I thought you were g-going to find a bar." Sam stuttered.

"Yeah well I changed my mind, I'm going to do what I should have done in the first." Dean scowled, his eyes were nothing but angry and hate.

"W-what?" Sam gulped fearing what Dean was going to do.

Dean pulled out a knife from inside his jacket and pointed it at Sam "do I really need to tell you. You're a monster Sam and I need to stop you!" Dean moved towards Sam.

Sam flinched back, flinging himself into the broken mirror behind him. The mirror crumbled, jagged pieces of glass dug into Sam's back, slicing into the skin like butter.

"Dean, please no." he pleaded, looking at Dean with teary puppy eyes.

"It's too late for apologizes don't you think Sam, you've ended the world!" Dean yelled.

"Yeah.." Sam muttered defeated, he looked down not wanting to look at the disappointed look on his brother's face. "Just do it Dean." Sam sobbed, he was starting to feel light-headed from blood loss in his back. He slid down the mirror to the floor, his knees were unable to hold him anymore, he could feel the glass digging further into his back.

He closed his eyes waiting for Dean to kill him, tears leaked from the corner of his eyes. He waited but nothing came, he opened his eyes a little only to find the room empty.

"De'nnnn?" He wasn't surprised how weak he sounded he could feel the blood soaking through his t-shirt and start to puddle around him.

He didn't get an answer. His eyelids started to feel heavy and soon he was unable to keep his eyes open. He slowly slid into the darkness.

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_Meanwhile..._

Dean sludged through the muddy car park towards the bar, the bar looked small and sleazy but he didn't care, all he wanted was a drink, or ten.

As he entered the bar he noticed he was probably the youngest man in there, the place was full of mid-aged men with greasy beards. He avoided eye contact as he moved through the crowd towards the counter, he didn't want any trouble.

He reached the bar and slumped awkwardly on top of one of the wobbly stools. His eyes met the bartenders, she was young and pretty she had long wavy brunette hair and big brown eyes. Her eyes met his green ones, she smiled and practically ran to him.

"Someone's eager to serve me!" Dean smiled.

"Yeah well you're the youngest person I've seen here in months."

"That so?" Dean's smile grew into a grin "looks like I'm getting lucky tonight." he thought.

"Yep, what can I get ya?" She asked.

"Anything! Name's Dean by the way."

"Nice to meet ya Dean, I'm Rachel. Anything? Rough day huh?" She reached her hand across to shake his.

"Yeah rough couple of years actually." Dean sighed.

Rachel took out two shot glasses and placed between her and Dean and reached to find anything she could find to pour into the glasses. "C'mon no one's life can suck that bad."

"Yeah you would think." Dean grabbed the glass as soon as Rachel filled it and gulped it down, he slammed it down on the counter and motioned for her to re-fill it.

Rachel downed hers and filled them up again "what about your family? Friends? Where are they?"

"Most of them are dead, my little brother he's back at our motel room. If I'm honest I'd prefer for him not to be there when I go back."

"Don't you two get on then?" She asked as she watched Dean take every shot she's put in front of him, which was starting to worry her.

"Yeah we used to be so close, I went away for a couple of months and then when I came back he was different."

"Different how?"

"I dunno, I guess just more independent."

"Isn't that a good thing?" She could see Dean had bottled this up for ages so she continued asking him questions.

"Yeah maybe, but he's made some big mistakes, BIG! I just wish I would've stopped him."

"Did you know that it was going to happen?"

"Yeah."

"Everyone makes mistakes Dean and let me tell you, your brother is feeling 10 million times worse than you are right now."

"Yeah how do you know that?"

"Cause I've done the same, I've some mistakes none of them that I am proud of."

"What happened?" Dean asked

"I ended up here. In some sleazy bar, I haven't spoken to my family in years. Things just got worse and worse, I even.." Tears started appearing in her eyes.

"What?" Dean asked gently noticing how much whatever it was that Rachel did was effecting her.

"Tried to kill myself." Rachel finished, tears started dripping down her cheeks. Dean gasped, he didn't know what to say. "What if Sam is feeling the same way?" He asked himself.

"I'm sorry." Dean grumbled.

"No, no it's okay. Just don't be too hard on your brother or you'll lose him." Dean gulped knowing she was probably right.

"I sorry but I have to go, I need to go check if he's okay." Dean stood and moved fast through back through the crowd towards the door. He ran to his car he knew he shouldn't drive but he had to get back to Sam, he just hoped he wasn't too late.

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Dean jumped out of the car and ran to his and Sam's room. He spent a minute trying to get the key in the door but then flung the door open to see Sam sitting in a puddle of his own blood and glass from the mirror he was leaning on, a trail of blood led from the top to Sam head that was rolled back onto his shoulder.

"Oh my god! SAMMY!" Dean yelled and ran to his brother's side. He knelt down next to Sam not caring if he was standing in the pool of dark red liquid.

"Sammy?" Dean choked out reaching to touch Sam's face. He gently cupped Sam's with one hand and turned his head to face Dean, his breath hitched as he noticed how pale and cold Sam looked and felt. He shakily reached out with his other hand and put two fingers to Sam's neck to feel for a pulse, he was relieved to find a pulse but was still weak and unsteady.

"Sam, hey! Can you open your eyes for me please? Sammy?" Dean pleaded, he turned Sam's head further to see if he had hit his head, upon finding no bumps on his head he figured that it the blood was coming from Sam's back.

He gripped Sam's shoulder with one arm and his legs with the other, he pulled legs to the side so he can tip Sam over onto his stomach. He gasped when he saw the bloody mess of Sam's back, he felt like he was going to be sick and even more so when he saw broken glass protruding from the many wounds that covered his back.

"Oh god.. Sammy what happened?" He whispered hoping he would get an answer, he was only rewarded with silence.

Dean's breath quickened as he started to panic, he didn't know what to do, should he patch Sam up himself or should he call an ambulance. He lifted Sam up and turned him over so that he was resting against him. Sam's shoulder dug into his chest, it made him feel uncomfortable but it didn't matter, he had a little brother to comfort.

"Sammy, can you hear me? You need to wake up Sam, you can't leave me! I know that the things I said must have hurt but I still need you." He babbled as he stroked a trembling hand through Sam's hair.

Noticing how much his hands were shaking, he knew he wouldn't be able patch Sam up when he like this. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed 9-9-1.

_"Hello, how can w-" _A woman's voice came from the phone but was interrupted by Dean.

"Hi, my brother, he's bleeding pretty bad, I need an ambulance!" Dean shouted down the phone.

_"Sir, calm down, can you tell me where you are?"_

"Umm, the Black Cat motel room 241, please hurry!"

_"Okay sir, what is his current condition?"_

"H-he's unconscious, he's lost a lot of blood!" Dean was beyond worried, he couldn't help but feel guilty, "if I had stayed here none of it would've happened." He cursed himself in his mind.

_"Sir, you need to try wake him up okay? The ambulance is on it's way."_

"O-okay." Dean stuttered before dropping the phone on the floor and turned his attention back on Sam.

"Sammy. Sam! C'mon man wake up! SAM!" He shook Sam lightly.

Sam moaned and rolled his head back and forth on Dean's arm.

"That's it Sammy, you're doing good kiddo, just open them eyes." Dean encouraged.

"D'n?" Sam mumbled opening his eyes a little.

"Yeah Sam it's me, I'm here okay? It's going to be alright. Your back isn't that bad alright you've just lost some blood." Dean stroked Sam's hair again wanting to keep the contact between them. The next words out of Sam's words shocked Dean to the core.

"P-please d-don't kill me Dean, please don't." Sam pleaded looking up at Dean, he well and truly looked like a kicked puppy.

Dean opened his mouth but nothing came out "why would Sam like I want to kill him?" He asked himself.

"Sammy-" Dean started but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Sir? Hello, it's the paramedics."

"IN HERE!" Dean yelled causing Sam to flinch in his arms.

The paramedics came bursting into the room and ran to the brothers.

"Sir I need you to step back and let us take care of him." One of the paramedics said pulling Sam from Dean's arms. Dean let go of Sam and fell back into a sitting position, he could only watch as they loaded Sam onto a gurney on his side so they wouldn't cause the glass to go deeper.

Within seconds they had Sam ready to go and started steering the gurney out of the door. Dean scrambled up onto his feet and sprinted after them.

He climbed into the ambulance with them, shooting angry glances at anyone of them who tried to keep him from his brother's side.

The paramedics had placed him so that he was facing them. Dean reached over and grabbed Sam's hand trying to comfort him. Sam's eyes fell shut as the darkness claimed him once more.

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**Let me know what you think guys. Please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

Dean knocked quietly on Bobby's hospital room, Sam had been brought to the same hospital. He had already sat in the waiting room for 2 hours waiting for news on Sam, upon getting nothing he had decided to go tell Bobby the bad news.

"Yeah" said a gruff voice from the other side of the door. Dean pushed the door open slowly and stepped inside, he closed the door behind him as Bobby wheeled himself round to face Dean.

Bobby could tell at an instant that something was wrong, Dean was quiet, his eyes wide and watery.

"Dean? What's wrong?" Bobby asked.

"Sam, he..." Dean trailed off, he didn't know anything about Sam, if he was okay, if he was de- No! He couldn't think about that.

"Sam? Is he okay? Where is he?" Bobby asked, concerned for the younger Winchester.

"H-he's here, I-I-I went out to find a bar and then when I got back I found him unconscious... H-his back was a mess, just shredded and glass sticking o-out..." Tears stung Dean's eyes.

"Balls! What happened?! Was he attacked?!" Panic and worry were clear in the older hunter's voice.

"I don't know, he was leaning against a mirror which was broken but that was the only thing... everything else looked normal..."

"What have the doctors said? How long have you been here?" Bobby kept on questioning Dean desperate to find out what's happened.

"We've been here for about two hours, they haven't told me anything, or if he's even okay..." Dean choked out trying to blink away tears.

"Dean, he'll be alright, it's only wounds on his back right? He'll be fine just a bit sore." Dean nodded know Bobby's probably right.

Little did they know, the youngest hunter would have to overcome not just his physical pains, but emotional aswell.

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_One and a half hours later..._

Dr. Anna Jones rushed to the desk looking for the brother of her newest patient, Sam. She wasn't too happy that she'd have to deliver bad news to Dean.

As soon as Sam arrived at the hospital he was rushed to surgery to remove the glass that was embedded in his back. It had taken 3 hours just to remove all the glass, they had to stop many times in the middle of the procedure to stop Sam from bleeding so much, to say it was touch and go for a while was an understatement. Most of the cuts on Sam's back had been infected, no doubt from the grimy glass from the mirror. Worse of all Sam had woken up on the table and started panicking, he started mumbling quiet terrified words, he was begging for someone not to hurt him, no one could catch the name that he said, shortly after that Sam had a panic attack, his breathes were short and uneven, his heartbeat was racing and he started shivering.

_"Poor man, still so young."_ She thought sadly feeling nothing but sympathy for her patient.

"He's got up to see their uncle, third floor, room three." The young nurse told her of the opposite side of the desk.

Anna startled as she was brought out of her thoughts, before walking quickly to the elevator.

She knocked on the door and waited for a reply, she jumped slightly when the door was opened quickly, revealing a tall blonde man with mesmerizing green eyes.

"Um, hi I'm doctor Jones, are you Dean Thomson? Sam's brother?"

"Yeah I am, have you been treating him?" Dean stepped out of the room to talk to the doctor closing Bobby's door behind him.

"Yes. Sorry for the wait I've only just got out on the OR with your brother."

Dean's eyes grew wide "why has it taken so long? Is he okay?"

"We can only know Sam's condition when he wakes up."

"What about his back?"

"Some of the cuts have been infected from the glass, but that's not the worst of his problems."

"Then what?" Dean gulped nervously.

"Sam woke up on the table, he got very anxious and started panicking..." She trailed off trying to find a better way of telling the worried big brother about Sam's panic attack.

"And?"

"He had a severe panic attack, he wouldn't let anyone near him so he had to sedate him." The young doctor stated.

"What? Why didn't you tell me?" Dean yelled, he didn't mean to but he was worried for his brother.

"We had to otherwise we wouldn't have been able to work on him, now coming to the panic attack itself, Sam seemed scared of anyone touching him, he was mumbling something about someone not hurting him, do you know anything about this?"

Dean shook his head no, but inside so many questions were whirling about, he had made the connection between Sam asking him not to kill him and him mumbling something similar in the operating room. _"Why does he think I'd hurt him?"_ He thought and gulped nervously.

"When can I see him?" He asked.

"Sorry but you won't be able to see him for some time, at least not until some time after he wakes up."

"Why can't I see him?" Dean asked raising his voice again.

"We can't have anyone seeing him, I'm sure you're not the problem but we need to find out what Sam's so scared about before we can let people see him. Do you understand ? It's what's best for Sam."

"No you don't understand, Sammy will freak if he wakes up in a hospital alone. You gotta let me see him." Dean looked at her pleadingly, trying to put on his best puppy eyes.

"I can't allow that, but I promise I'll let you know what's going on." She said trying to reason with the obviously very protective older brother.

Dean gritted his teeth in anger, he wanted to keep pushing to try to get what he wants but he knew it was hopeless. "Fine." He answered and turned around and went back into Bobby's room without another word.

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Bobby watched Dean cautiously as he stormed into the room and immediately strode across to the window and stared out of it.

"How is he?" He asked the younger man wearily.

"Not good, the cuts are infected, but it's not that it's..." Dean gulped as he struggled to get words out of his mouth.

"What? Dean spit it out." Bobby said, concern was growing more and more in his heart for Sam.

"He had a panic attack on the table, wouldn't let anyone go near him... They had to sedate him." Dean ducked his head trying to hide the tears that were clear in his eyes.

"Balls! They say what he got so het up about?" Bobby asked feeling sympathy for Dean when he saw him trying to hide his tears.

"Ummm... God, he was begging someone not to hurt him... Dammit Bobby it was me!" Dean's heart quickened by the thought of Sam thinking he would hurt him.

"Dean calm down, I'm positive it wasn't you who he was on about." Bobby soothed wheeling up to Dean and gripped his arm trying to be comforting, but Dean yanked his arm from the older man's grip and paced across the room. There was a beat of silence before Dean exploded, "no Bobby it was me! In the motel room... When I found him, after he woke he-he begged me not to kill him Bobby..." Dean yelled, he sunk into a nearby chair "he was so scared Bobby, scared of me!" Dean muttered before resting his head in his hands.

Bobby was shocked by what Dean had told him, he watched helplessly as Dean broke down in front of him.

"I never would hurt 'im, he's my brother, my baby brother, sure he's done some crap but I'd never hurt him." Dean babbled, tears streaked down his face "I'd never hurt him Bobby." He mumbled again looking up to Bobby.

"I know you wouldn't Dean." Bobby said assuring the younger hunter. "Now, do you have any clue why Sam would think that in the first place? What happened after you two left here?"

"Nothing, I just drove him back to the motel and went to the bar." Dean lied not wanting Bobby to know about what he had said to Sam knowing he'd probably just make him feel guilty.

"Dean something must've happened, did you say anything to him?" Bobby pushed knowing Dean was hiding something.

Dean hung his head "I may have said some things..." Dean muttered.

"What? Dean, what did you say to him?" Bobby questioned.

"That.. Uh.. I didn't trust him, t-that it's gunna be hard for me to for..." Dean looked straight into Bobby's eyes, his own eyes were full of regret and guilt "hard for me to forgive him." He finished and glanced around the room trying to avoid Bobby's glare.

"Dean... I know what he did is hard on you but killing Lilith.. He needed to do that, for what she did to you. He thought he was stopping it Dean, not starting it. Put yourself in that situation, what would you do?"

"It's not that Bobby.. It's the lies, and the demon blood, and Ruby!"

"Dammit, I never thought I'd say this but.. Dean I'm glad Ruby found Sam when you were in hell." Bobby sighed.

"What?! Are you out of your m-" Dean yelled but was cut off by Bobby.

"It Ruby wasn't there when she was Sam would've got himself killed a long time ago. when you went to hell your brother went so far off the deep end that I was worried that he was going to kill himself, he became so depressed, he wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, he became so damn obsessed with getting revenge for you that he started sounding like your father... But that bitch, she saved him in a way, stopped him from doing something. As for the demon blood, Sam should've told you this but he refused at first for a long time but she threatened to leave him if he didn't take it."

Dean couldn't believe it, Ruby played on Sam's loneliness to get what she wanted _"none of this is really Sam's fault, not really. He was desperate, lonely, and needed someone to be there for him, unfortunately for him that person was some manipulative, demon-bitch"_ Dean thought clenching his fists in anger, he wanted to bring the bitch back again just to kill her all over again.

_"I have to make things right with Sam, make it up to him." _He silently promised to himself.

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